Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Sum of all my Fears

My therapist has decided to counter my anxiety disorders by helping me compile a list of my fears and working through them one-by-one. My first fear was that I would be unable to finish my list before the hour was up and that she would send me into the world obsessing about all my fears.

DR L: “OK, first fear.”

ESSIE: “Continuous hiccupping.”

DR L (pauses over notepad. Dreading to ask what I mean)

ESSIE: “I saw it on Ripley’s Believe it or not. This guy started hiccupping and couldn’t stop for seven years. His wife left him. It’s serious.”

DR L: “Remember the time your mother had that pain in her wrist and she thought she had Lou Gehrig’s disease but it turns out her watch was too tight? You are just mirroring her hypochondria.”

ESSIE: “Great. Now I’m scared of becoming like my mother.”

DR L (fake therapist smile. Mentally picturing what she’s going to cook for dinner.)

ESSIE (rattles off list of fears like Tsunamis, midgets, chameleons, the recession, dying alone, train crashes, plane crashes, car crashes and choking)

DR L (talking very slowly): “ about...that?”

ESSIE: “About my fears?”

DR L: “Yes...”

ESSIE (talking very slowly): “I...FEEL...afraid...”

At this point, elevator music starts to play and she gets that relieved look on her face.

DR L: “That’s all we have time for!”

ESSIE: “Don’t pack up your fucking pen. I need more therapy.”

DR L: “You are fine. You are a strong, secure, talented, beautiful woman. Remember to say that. Can you say that?”

ESSIE (pause): “Why do you even have to pack up your pen? You aren’t going anywhere.”

DR L: “This is not progress. Can you say, “I am a strong, secure, talented, beautiful woman?”

ESSIE (sulky): “No...”

She eventually coaxed me out of the office with some Prozac as I shouted, “FINE! I AM A STRONG SECURE TALENTED BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!”

I love that bitch. She really GETS me.


  1. You fricking rock! I am apart of bloggerstock too and so I can to read amogh's post and this was here! Lol I'm following hopefully you can follow me too at thoughts of a randomista.... I posted on amogh's blog so you can find the link there.

  2. Your therapist sounds awesome. Almost as awesome as you. :)

  3. Kat,
    She's better than my old therapist. And when I say "therapist" I of course mean "Dr Phil's website". It wasn't relevant to my problems half the time.

  4. the pic. is hilarious hahaha lol
    You are on DR L's fear list!

  5. I actually DO have a terrible fear of chameleons. My friend got bitten by one when we were five and I've been traumatized by them every since. I don't see "real chameleons" very often but now I find myself haunted by "phantom chameleons", e.g. I don't want to walk under trees in case there is a chameleon in it that will leap into my hair.

  6. "My first fear was that I would be unable to finish my list before the hour was up and that she would send me into the world obsessing about all my fears."

    Very amusing post. Glad I found this.

  7. DEAD!!!!!!!! I read this entire post laughing and obnoxiously.